Center for Surrogate Parenting, Inc.

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Advice from a Surrogate’s Partner

Read advice from a surrogate’s partner

Looking for advice from a surrogate’s partner? “I would describe surrogacy as an amazing journey, unfortunately it was a journey that I wasn’t initially prepared for.

In the spring of 2016, my wife, Tabitha (who was my girlfriend then), approached me with what seemed to be a radically insane idea. She wanted to be a surrogate. I had no experience with surrogacy. In fact, I thought it was something that women only did in Lifetime movies or for their family members. I had no idea what to expect, or what awaited us both along our surrogacy journey.

Initially, I was hesitant. I wasn’t crazy about the idea of having my partner carry a child for someone else. As a man, I wanted my wife-to-be to carry my own child someday. I admit that my reservations were selfish. I mean, wouldn’t this be a huge inconvenience for us (and by ‘us’ I really meant me)? What would people think? What about our wedding plans/future? Won’t that be extremely difficult and emotionally damaging to Tabitha? I had a million and one reasons to say no, but I only needed one reason to say yes.

Deciding to move forward with being a surrogate

After a lot of discussion (and even more prayer), we decided to move forward with our surrogacy journey. Tabitha matched with a couple and she had her first transfer in December of 2016. Unfortunately, we found out quickly how painful and difficult this process can be. Although the initial transfer seemed to be a success, Tabitha miscarried in January of 2017.

She was devastated. She would eventually have a second transfer in August of 2017 and her third and final transfer in February 2018. Tabitha was able to successfully carry and deliver a baby girl for her surrogate family in November 2018. What an experience it was. To bless another family in such a special way is truly amazing!

Valuable advice from a surrogate’s partner

To all the men that are struggling along the surrogacy journey with your spouse/girlfriend, I would like to share some words of wisdom and encouragement as I learned a great deal during this process.

Practice being intentional. Because of my initial hesitation, during the early stages of the surrogacy process, I wasn’t able to invest in Tabitha and the sacrifice that she was making. Your wife/girlfriend needs to know that you fully support her and admire her for her courage and sacrifice. Your woman needs this.

Always be available. I don’t mean to simply “be there.” It speaks to her heart when you mourn with her during times of tragedy and celebrate her during times of triumph. Be emotionally present/committed to her throughout this process. This will require great sacrifice, humility, and effort, as we often have a tendency to disconnect.

Be patient. Remember that your wife/partner/girlfriend is a special part of you that you admire and adore. You must love her well during this time. It’s easy to become frustrated/overwhelmed by traveling, multiple doctor visits, and all of the difficulties that arise from pregnancy. Just remember, if you’re frustrated and overwhelmed, she must be feeling it even more so. Be patient with her and gently and support her.

Most importantly, be loving. It’s no secret that women experience a flood of emotions/hormones during pregnancy. It is so important to frequently remind her of your unconditional love for her. Let her know that her willingness and courage to take on the sacrifice that surrogacy requires is yet another reason why you love her so deeply. That is the most important advice from a surrogate’s partner.

Contact us to learn more about how to support your partner on this journey.